Dear Julia,
About a year after my dad died, I went through my second divorce. I felt rejected, and like I was a complete failure. My dependence on the pills became worse. They became a daily necessity. When I took them, I instantly felt better.
Despite the hardships I was going through, I was still able to get up, go to work, and take care of my kids and household chores. In a way, I felt like supermom. I thought I could do everything required of me – so long as I had the pills. But the longer I put off dealing with my problems, the worse they became. My tolerance for the pills grew as well. I needed more and more as time went on. If I went even one day without them, I would be in immense pain and violently sick to my stomach. It was unbearable, unlike any pain I had experienced before. My need to get more pills was out of control. I felt this frantic urge to find more pills as soon as possible, thinking I might die if I didn’t.
Sometimes, I was unable to get out of bed. The very thing that had kept me going for so long was now debilitating to me. I started to feel inadequate because I couldn’t do what I needed to do for my children, even though my love for them was my reason for everything I did. I was scared that if someone found out what a horrible problem I had; I would lose my kids. Mothers aren’t supposed to be addicts. I was too ashamed to ask for help. Anyway, if I did go to treatment, where would they go? Who would take care of them? Would social services place them in foster care? Would I ever see them again? These were the thoughts I had. I couldn’t imagine putting my children through any of that. So, I kept going the only way I knew how. I was stuck, and I didn’t know how to get out of it.
A few years after the divorce, we moved into a one-bedroom apartment for a few months while I was between jobs. Down the hall lived a guy who would always meet me in the hallway whenever he heard me and the kids coming. He would offer to help me carry things and made chit-chat. Something about him made me uncomfortable. He seemed stalkerish, always listening for me to leave or come home. He was big and intimidating. He started asking me out. Even though I would say no and try to blow him off, he never got the hint. I finally agreed to go out with him when my mom and sister suggested I should start dating again. I guess he convinced them to talk to me about it. I thought maybe I was being too hard on him. Besides, I was feeling lonely anyway. I started to date him and, about a month later, I became pregnant.
Once I was pregnant, things changed. He seemed to drop the act, because suddenly he was a different man. Here’s what I found out about my partner: I learned he was a former meth user and had just done 18 months in prison. He drank beer every day. Most of the people in the apartment complex were afraid of him because he had threatened them and intimidated them at one time or another. He was known to be violent and a bully. I probably should have found this out sooner, or at least trusted my gut instinct in the first place. Instead, I chose to numb myself so I could have somebody.
I quickly realized I had made a mistake letting this guy into my life. One day he started acting erratically and as though he was feeling suspicious about something. I don’t know what it was. All I wanted to do was take a nap, but he kept pacing around and acting strangely. As soon as I lay down with my daughter, he came bursting into my apartment, yelling, and hitting things, with his brother right behind him.
I flew out of bed and sent my daughter into my son’s bedroom with instructions to them both to stay put. I started arguing with the men to get out of my apartment, telling them I would call the cops if they didn’t leave. They kept yelling and threatening me, and I just kept yelling that I was going to call the cops. After I repeated it several times, they left. I grabbed the kids and a few bags of things and left. I only went back one time to pack the rest of our stuff. That was after I had filed for a restraining order to protect me and our child. I guess he got mad because I wasn’t giving him attention.
For months, he stalked me. He finally left me alone when a judge threatened to put him back in prison. He went back anyway in the end for killing a man. He’s due to get out the same year as me. I had started a rumor that my unborn child wasn’t his, but D.H.S. established paternity with him when I came to prison. Now he wants to have a relationship with our son. To be honest, that terrifies me.
Sincerely,
Crystal
Crystal A. is currently incarcerated at Oregon’s women’s prison, Coffee Creek Correctional Facility.